When I was little boy, I was the only child of a single mother. This was in the 80s. It was not cool to be a single mom, or fatherless. In a lot of ways it still isn’t cool to be fatherless. But it was different.
Something happened to me, I don’t remember what. But I became emotionally disturbed. I was angry all the time (although not conscious of why), and I despaired of everything. Life was more painful that I could express, and I was lonely all the time.
Mom took me to church. She is a Christian, but perhaps that’s another story for another person to tell. Eventually I started listening. This wasn’t your hellfire and brimstone church. This was the Anglican church. We had wine and beer whenever we had a luncheon. Anyway, I was listening. So, somehow i get it into my head: God can adopt me through Jesus. I won’t be alone anymore. Which, I wasn’t alone, but I felt alone.
So, praying on my bed, I asked Jesus.. to be Savior. To be Lord, but I think, mostly just to walk with me through this life, through Heaven or Hell, or wherever, so I won’t walk alone. And He did. But he also did a miracle. The despair ran out of the room, and I haven’t seen it since. The anger melted, and I didn’t really have anger for over a decade. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. I think that’s it’s more balanced that i have it, although I don’t have a lot of it.
So, then, I gamed, I went to school, and as a teenager I began to develop bad insomnia. It culminated in a three day no sleep thing that ended in a psychotic episode. Then, weirdly, I had another one three years later in the same month. Then a third three years later in the same month. I dread that month a little to this day. I had another in the summer of I think my 24th or 25th year. Through this period I acquired more and more medications that helped me stay out of madness. I had the last in 2014, when I was having trouble with my medicine running out before the next dose, and me “adjusting” my dose myself.
It’s been 8 years since. I live a mostly normal life. Hold down a job, pay rent, do self-care. Most people don’t come back well from one episode, let alone five. I admit, my life isn’t perfect or ideal (but whose is?). I’m on disability, but I can’t afford my medicine without it. But, it’s a life, a good life, and when I’m being grateful and content (which I am learning to be), I’m glad. God, Jesus, has walked me through all of this. I never would’ve made it this far without Him.
I exhort you, plead with you, come to Jesus. He is.. Everything. If you have Christ, you have. If you don’t, nothing you have will ever satisfy you.
-Tremillian